Ok, I realize that is a loaded question before I even posted it. But I can't help it. I have been consumed with this question lately. It has been driving me insane. I haven't thought of this as in a "me" sense, as in what would keep me happy, but in how can I keep my husband happy? I realize there's only so much I can do - at some point the decision is ours, or theirs - but what is my role in this?
I must admit that my husband and I took very little marriage counseling before we were married. And the counseling we did have was with a Catholic priest who, after I voiced my concern with my husband's occasion drinking, told me that I needed to let that go and that a little bit of anything didn't hurt. This he tells to a girl who grew up in with an alcoholic father. I should also mention that I never had an example of what a good marriage is. It's not something that I witnessed in anyone in my family, or family friends. My husband did, with his own parents. It is by the Grace of God that we are still married today, and very very happily at that. That's how I want to keep it. I know marriage has it's ups and downs....but I really want to keep those downs to a minimum. I've heard so many different views. There's the woman who lost all faith in men that told me that all men are the same and to expect nothing different from my husband. There's the one that has been married a long time with no major bumps that told me that communication is always key. Then there's one that I love.....never stop dating your spouse. Never stop romancing them, and always assume that you are competing for them. That thinking that way keeps you on your toes. I like that one. It reminds me that if I want this to work I have to be willing to work. That means put some time and effort. That a good, long marriage doesn't just happen. Hmmm.....so many things to think about. So many things I'm still learning after 12 years of marriage. Learning all these things makes me feel like a young newly wed that just entered marriage knowing absolutely nothing about it. A little scary that I have been so naive for so many years. Again I say, by the grace of God I'm still married today.
So what do you think is key to a good marriage? What things do you do to keep your marriage healthy and happy?
I must admit that my husband and I took very little marriage counseling before we were married. And the counseling we did have was with a Catholic priest who, after I voiced my concern with my husband's occasion drinking, told me that I needed to let that go and that a little bit of anything didn't hurt. This he tells to a girl who grew up in with an alcoholic father. I should also mention that I never had an example of what a good marriage is. It's not something that I witnessed in anyone in my family, or family friends. My husband did, with his own parents. It is by the Grace of God that we are still married today, and very very happily at that. That's how I want to keep it. I know marriage has it's ups and downs....but I really want to keep those downs to a minimum. I've heard so many different views. There's the woman who lost all faith in men that told me that all men are the same and to expect nothing different from my husband. There's the one that has been married a long time with no major bumps that told me that communication is always key. Then there's one that I love.....never stop dating your spouse. Never stop romancing them, and always assume that you are competing for them. That thinking that way keeps you on your toes. I like that one. It reminds me that if I want this to work I have to be willing to work. That means put some time and effort. That a good, long marriage doesn't just happen. Hmmm.....so many things to think about. So many things I'm still learning after 12 years of marriage. Learning all these things makes me feel like a young newly wed that just entered marriage knowing absolutely nothing about it. A little scary that I have been so naive for so many years. Again I say, by the grace of God I'm still married today.
So what do you think is key to a good marriage? What things do you do to keep your marriage healthy and happy?
8 comments:
I asked him what is one thing you woul dlike to see when you get home everyday? He likes the living room picked up. I *try* to have at lesst that done by 5 every day.
I also made his favorites cookies last week ;)
Do you know his love language? We were in a conference where we learned that our spouse speaks the language he feels loved in, not neccessarily the language you need to hear. It takes effort to translate.....but once that lightbulb went off for me, it was a whole new ballgame.
I think this is worth the discussion and effort!
Wow. You and brickmomma sure are on the thinking wagon today!! One thing that sticks out to me is this... So many people say that marriage is a 50/50 thing. Not so. You're called to give 100%, even when he's not. To do that, you have to have a servant's heart and attitude. It's hard when your hubby is being unlovable, but our love for our spouses should be unconditional. That's the way Christ is with us, isn't it?
Ok, i totally agree with what the 2nd person told you. Always communicate, but more importantly learn how he communicates. This is exactly where "Love Languages" comes in. How Carlos reads "i love you" is so different then how i read it. We first learned of this when we went to premarital counseling with our Pastor. I had never seen this is a marriage, all i knew is i didn't want what i had seen. After i learned how to tell/show Carlos i loved him, or hey i need some love, things go so smoothly. Also we do go on dates, or just watch a movie after Easton goes to bed, or play video games together. I can't tell you how much he loves it when i get involved in something he loves.
What Jaime was saying about what's one thing you could do for him, this is great too. Carlos' is that he loves it when the bed is clean( no clothes or stuff on it) and you can see the bedroom floor. As soon as he told me this i kept asking, "Are you sure that's it?". Partiailly because i was killing myself making sure the kitchen and the living room were spotless. Turns out i didn't have to. I would hav know if i just asked, this was such a huge lesson for me.
Also, It's know to the point if me and Carlos are to the point that we can feel when were "off" or just not connecting. It usually just take a " what's going on here" and we work out what happened, and almost always it's due to a miscommunication.
One last this, I know for me I had to stop expecting him to read my mind. I thought he knew "hey i hate unloading the dishwasher" and would get mad when he didn't do it, but i had never told him this... how could he know. Unfortunatley there were alot of other things i thought he'd "read my mind" with, but nope. So i had to tell him my reason i was mad was because he didn't do something i didn't communicated that i needed him to do. As soon as i said that i knew how foolish it was for me to expect that.
- Kaylene
keep giving, keep forgiving.
Let him know I respect and appreciate everything he does. He doesn't fuss at me for the dishes in the sink and I don't fuss at him that the sock only make it NEXT to the laundry basket. Cuz you know if I didn't have to spend all my time picking up socks from everywhere then maybe I could get those dishes done - and of course we are talking about the dishes everyone leaves all over the house and I have to find and put in the sink. That would also save a little time and energy if I didn't have to be "TRACY GILLETT -DISH DETECTIVE". I mean, how did the fork get in the bathroom and why?!?! Wait... Don't answer the WHY - Then I end up making what SOUNDS like STUPID rules in front of my children.... "FROM NOW ON THERE ARE NO FORK IN ALLOWED THE BATHROOM!" Then one of them looks sheepishly and runs off to find a fork... They make me act stupid. I had no problem doing it before - you know talking to yourself while you are picking up the socks from the floor "what is wrong where he can't put the socks IN the basket, why do they end up NEXT to the basket?!" Did I mention I dont fuss at HIM ?
Okay, Tracy Gillett - Dish Detective almost made me wet my pants.
The whole love language thing is life changing!! I used to get mad when Hubby would clean THE ENTIRE HOUSE when I would go out for an evening with the girls. I thought he was trying to show me up by doing all the things I SHOULD be doing during the day/week in a matter of a few hours.
After getting mad about that for a long time, years probably, we finally had a conversation. DUH. He was saying, "I love you."
So when I fold his panties, I mean, UNDERWEAR, I am telling him that I love him, too.
Why was I making it so difficult??
I blog more - that way I am not talking to him all the time about little weird things. HINT HINT
JB and I have the secret. We don't care how much it costs.....
1. One trip AWAY from the kids at least once a year
2. Out by ourselves at least every other week.
3. Lots of laughing silly....that is free
4. Mindful of each other's love language. Mine is hit with #1 and #2 and his is "touch" so...that would be #5.
5............
Cece
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